She's Alive... Beautiful... Finite... Hurting... Worth Dying for.

Put It Off

That is what I have done. I have put off writing this blog. Seems like if I don't write about it then it has not happened. It is not real and I don't have to worry about it if I don't write it down. My doctor visit yesterday did not go as I had planned. Not as any woman would have planned. I knew 6 months ago that I have PCOS which pretty much means that I have cysts all over my ovaries and uterus. I knew that. Having about a dozen or so did not really surprise me. I knew that was coming. That is what happens with PCOS.
I have known for the last 3-4 months that something else has been wrong. Something much different than has never happened to me before. My last menstrual cycle was accompanied by migraines, moods bungees, worse than contraction cramps and in 8 hours I used 15 super absorbancy tampons. It has been like this for the past 3-4 months.
The doctor wanted to do the ultrasound. That seemed really strange to me. That alone made me super nervous about going in yesterday.
Well, I found out why. The cysts, I was aware of. The fibroids, I did not know about. I have several ranging in size from 2mm to 6x5cm. Yes, 5cm by 6cm. That is pretty big. My uterus was also measured. It is 6cm by 10cm. That means that this fibroid is half the size of my uterus. Turns out this one is growing from the top down inside of my uterus.
So this disqualifies me from having the ablation that I was looking forward to. However, it does make me a really good candidate for a hysterectomy. Because of the fibroid location and size it cannot be removed with removing my uterus. Add in the fact that it has grown to this size in just 6 months also.
TON OF BRICKS
To me this was a much different outcome than needing an ablation. I was expecting the outcome and the possible results of an ablation. Now I have to have surgery. My doctor said at the most even with laproscopic surgery that would be in the hospital for 2 days. Away from my husband and sons for two days.
I am not sure what I think or how I feel about this. I know that it will not bother me not to have anymore children. Jason had a vasectomy when I was 6 months pregnant with Jonathan. So there were not going to be anymore kids anyway. That is not an issue. Whenever I think about having this done I start to tear up, and I am not sure why. I don't think I have had time to sit down and think about how this will effect me and my family.
I know that I do cherish the children that I have and the lives that they have.

I just don't know...



Fibroids as described by the Mayo Clinic

Definition

By Mayo Clinic staff

Fibroid locations

Uterine fibroids are noncancerous growths of the uterus that often appear during your childbearing years. Also called fibromyomas, leiomyomas or myomas, uterine fibroids aren't associated with an increased risk of uterine cancer and almost never develop into cancer.
As many as 3 out of 4 women have uterine fibroids sometime during their lives, but most are unaware of them because they often cause no symptoms. Your doctor may discover fibroids incidentally during a pelvic exam or prenatal ultrasound.
In general, uterine fibroids seldom require treatment. Medical therapy and surgical procedures can shrink or remove fibroids if you have discomfort or troublesome symptoms. Rarely, fibroids can require emergency treatment if they cause sudden, sharp pelvic pain or profuse menstrual bleeding.

Another Day, Another Doctor

Well, now that we are up and have had breakfast, I can blog. As the title suggests, I do in fact have another appointment at a doctors office today. Last week I went in to see a new GYNO about having an ablation done, Since I moved, I had not check in with another GYNO. I needed to be seen. So, I went and talked to her and she said, yes, no problem. We can do it for you. But, we need to see you in a week for an ultrasound. This is typical. New GYNO needs to see what they got to work with, normal right? I thought so. Until the scheduler called me for the appointment. I was told then that it HAD to be at a certain time because one of the other doctors from her practice needs to do the ultrasound. That is very uncommon. Usually a tech does it. Not the doctor. Did she see something in my chart from Florida that I simply did not understand? Or what? This has me confused and concerned. I am worried about this. I guess I will just have to wait and see. And try not to make myself too much or a wreck in the meantime.

My husband....

Is asleep, snoring, beside me. Lol. I am swyping in my blog when I am supposed to be asleep also.
Well as you know, he had physical therapy a couple weeks ago. Well, it did not work out a it should have. The therapist had him do all kinds of range of motion deals. And said that he thinks therapy will not help Jason. And that the doctors were wrong again. Now we have to go and see the spinal specialist once again. Going to that appointment on Tuesday. Get to see if he will give us a referral to see a different rheumatologist. That last one said there was nothing wrong with Jason that physical therapy would not fix.
Well he was wrong. Now we get to see if we can get some real answers. Hopefully. We need them.

Now I am going to be snoring in a few minutes myself. Night, night. Sweet dreams and bright blessings.
)O(

Out now...

Out of the doctors office now. Now I am waiting on my medicine from the pharmacy. HCTZ 25 mg. That its what she has given me for my blood pressure.
I now also have a referral to see a new surgeon. Because that last one was a total ass. Turns out I am not the first overweight patient that he has been cruel to.
Also I have a referral to see a doctor about starting the process for a gastric bypass.
Nervous, but I think it its a good decision. My kiddos need me.

Doctors office waiting...

Sitting here in my doctors office waiting to be seen. Lots of people coming and going. There was a large and tall woman waiting to see someone. She fell asleep before she got called back. That was kind of funny. There its also a mom and daughter here to see someone. When I came in the daughter was sitting in moms lap, much like a toddler would. This girl is at least 13 years old. Now a group of women have come in and one sounds like she has just got done running a 10 mile race. She just comes in and plops down. They start talking about the library and trading and such as they are filling out paper work.
Jason took the boys to Wal Mart. They get to hang out there for about an hour of so. I am seeing Dr. House. Not Hugh Laurie. I wish. This woman is a hard ass. I have seen her before. It has been a couple years, but she likely has not changed. So that is why the boys went to the store while I am here.
I said something about the library earlier and it reminded me. I went to my local Rockdale, Texas library today. And I picked up 4 of Laurell K Hamilton's books that I have not read yet. I got Bullet, Hit List, Skin Trade and Strange Candy. I can't wait to sit down and start reading. I have until August 8th to get them all read. I don't see why not. Any way, just got called. So I will let you know how it goes. <3

I Am Naked

I Have Flaws.  I make mistakes and bad decisions.  I like to think I am honest about my life and even my failings here on my blog, but if you are getting the impression that I am a perfect person then you are very mistaken. I am environmentally aware, but I still have trouble remembering to recycle. I feel like I am a pretty good parent. I try to make sure my boys know about the things around them.I know I miss tons.

Sometimes I Yell.  I try not to, and I know it isn’t the best way to be a parent, but sometimes it happens.  My parents were not really yellers. I know my MIL is a yeller. So I am not sure why I go down that road sometimes.   It is not always my first reaction and I have to remember to take time to breathe and count and think before I speak when I am angry.  I hate this about myself and actively work on making better parenting choices, but sometimes I forget.

Sometimes I Am Lazy. I will sit at my computer and watch my kiddos watch TV. I am a master at passive parenting. Climbing up and laying on the back of the sofa, or the headboard of the bed. I don't really have an issue with it. I let all kinds of things slide in my house.

I Can Be A Perfect Bitch. I heard a joke a few days ago; "A woman and the ocean are similar. They are beautiful, mysterious, vast and deep. And once a month it is shark week." Well believe me, no one is safe in my home. I can be absolutely horrible to my husband. I even pick fights with him sometimes for no reason. Even the kids are not safe during this time.

I Hope And Dream Like No Other. Believe me, I don't always want to live in a 30 foot camper in Milano, Texas. I DO NOT! But this is where I am for now. It does not stop me from looking at homes for sale on Realtor.com. I love doing that. One of my favorite pass times. I want to be the mom who sends her kids off to school and walks over to the fence with a cup of coffee to talk to the neighbor. I want more than anything to go back to school. I will, someday. I hope. I was to be a nurse. I think that would be wonderful for me.

I Am A Fierce Mom And Wife. Do not, I repeat, do not mess with my kids or my husband. You may not live to regret it. My world begins and ends with my Jason, Michael, and Jonathan. I love the SOOOOO much. The only thing that would make that more perfect was if I were to also have a live in girlfriend!

People Can Make Mistakes And Learn From Them.  Usually when people learn better, they try to do better. No one is perfect.  I try so hard to be a good person, I think that we all try to be good/better people..  Writing out my thoughts, feelings and dreams on my blog helps me strive to be a better person.  It makes me feel like it is possible for even (flawed, imperfect, sometimes lazy) me to reach for those ideals.

You May be a Pagan if...

You May be a Pagan if...

You May be a Pagan if...

You know bay leaves in your spice rack and laurel leaves are the
same thing.

When you are at an Arbor Day tree planting event, you drop a crystal
into the hole you just dug to bless the tree.

You pack a lots of bag lunches in October to give away to the
homeless for the "Samhain sandwiches" project.

You planted bushes for a butterfly garden.

You clean up trash in the nearby park.

You pour a few drops of your water on the ground as a libation to
the earth when you take a break from hiking before you take a
swallow.

You talk to the trees.

You talk to cats; they answer you...and you understand them.
(If you have another type of animal living with you, you probably do
the same with that animal too.)

Your CD's include meditation music.

After you get call from a sick friend on the phone and promise to
send her or him some "get well wishes," you walk over to a statue,
take out a cone or stick of incense and light it. Then you set the
lit incense in a suitable holder near the statue.

You own clothes that look like Renaissance Fair or Faery Festival
garb--in fact, they look like you've worn them a lot, and they have
candle wax drippings on them.

After vacuuming a your brand new house, you sprinkle rock salt on the
floor, take out a broom, open the door to "air", and then begin
sweeping up the salt in counterclockwise spiral. After you sweep
the rock salt into a pile, you scoop up all the salt, and carry it
out side to the garbage can immediately. Then you close the door.

You explain the universe was obviously designed by a committee.

You don't use chem lawn and tell neighbors you actually like the
clover and dandelions growing in the grass. (If they look confused,
you start discussing how to make dandelion tea and/or dandelion wine)

You feed the birds, and sprinkle bread crumbs from your home made
corn bread muffins (which served as "cakes" last time people came
over) to mix in with the bird seed in the bird feeder.

You are concerned about correctly dispersing the energy contained in
a clay talisman after it has completed it's purpose, and break up
the clay and put it in your compost pile.

On the way to an event, you've made a quick stop at the 7-11 to pick
up a half cord of firewood for the bonfire because it's you're turn.

Your friends know you will always be happy with gifts of candles or
incense for any occasion.

You've taken ritual baths in a Jacuzzi.

You have the moon phases on your calendar.

You sometimes accidentally refer to the days of the week as Moon's
day, Twi's day, Woden's day, Thor's day, Freya's day, Saturn's day,
or Sun's day when speaking to people who have no idea what you are
talking about.

You don't view the term "Mother Nature" as just a metaphor.

You've danced around a may pole.

You hated the 2006 remake of the *Wicker Man*, and have told people
where the movie makers screwed up the whole concept by getting rid
of the music, and how they ought to have never dumped the material
from the *Golden Bough* either.

You not only have plenty of candles when the power goes out, you
know where they are and where the matches are.

You doodle in Egyptian hieroglyphs.

You make yourself a sandwich and usually add fresh herbs from your
garden to it.

When you brew a hot cup of tea it might be a yellow-colored infusion
of flowers; you never make instant Lipton tea.

You have a cabinet full of strange little bottles with lables of
exotic sounding ingredients like dragon's blood, asafetida, rue,
Balm of Gildad, black salt, yarrow, rosewater, artemisia, Florida
crystals, yerba mate, lavender, etc

You own a mortar and pestle, know where it is, and use it a lot.

You recycle, but oddly many jars are actually reused to hold little
items like paper, pins, and soil.

You take vacations to see places like Salem, MA, Stonehenge and
Newgrange in England, Rome in Italy, etc. You call these vacations
pilgrimages.

You have cats, or other pets, named Diana, Robin, Pyewaket,
Rutterkin, Bear, and/or Salem.

You have pretty statues in your house with things like a cup of
water, flowers, or candy at its base. It upsets you when people
touch these items.

You got a a dumbek or bodram for your last birthday, and you like to
play it outside at night usually under a full moon.

You own stuff decorated with Celtic patterns or a "stars and moons"
design.

You buy organic food because you think it tastes more wholesome.

You buy a food that don't really eat yourself, explaining that the
"spirits" have asked you to leave some in the woods.

You tie knots in strings, chanting the names of certain Goddesses,
blow on the knots, and wish for winds of peace to blow across the
lands.

You go on vacation and sit in a dome-shaped hut heated by hot stones
in order to sweat--especially you are Caucasian with no known Native
American Indian ancestry and do this activity at least a few times a
year.

You spend your Saturday and Sunday frantically trying to get a hold
of someone who is storing the truck load of "sweat blankets" in a
shed so that you can transport them to an event that week.

You lie on the floor while some one reads a narrative about
descending a long black spiral staircase, through a tunnel, back
outside and across a bridge over water and then opening a door into
order to view supernatural landscape or being.

You attend a class on meditation and some participants are naked
while others are dressed in jeans and tee shirt or Renaissance
clothing.

You see nothing odd about the clothing, or lack thereof.

You have attended more than one "gentle touch group massage" worship
where four different people have massaged you body at the same time.

You drag boxes to an event holding 26 items to set out on a long
flat base which includes statues, water, salt, liquor, feathers,
dishes, honey, bread, seeds, flowers, and long pieces of cloth.
You like doing this activity.

On a weekend close to June 21, you stood in big field with about 150
people chanting to the bright, summer sun while it began raining.
You got soaked, but you didn't care.

When you have the dwelling to yourself, you set one lit candle in
front of a mirror so that its image is reflected. Then you sit in
comfortable chair and fix your eyes on the reflection of the candle
and sit quitely staring at it for about an hour. You do not think
this activity is boring and neither is it a waste of time.

You attend functions in which people drum and chant while you and 4
others sit in chairs in the center of a circle. Other attendees wave
their hands around your body. You believe this is a useful activity.

Your child asks loudly asks in the store if you can buy a
bunch "pretty flowers to give to the pixies outside," and you agree
this is a good idea.

You celebrate Groundhog's Day, but you have a funny name for it.

You are familiar with the angel Uriel or Aureiel--along with Michael,
Raphael, and Gabriel--but this puzzles Christians because there is
no angel named Uriel or Aureiel in the bible.

You build faery houses as a gift to nature spirits.

You seek out faery offerings to leave in your yard that doesn't
encourage the exploding field mouse population in your neighborhood.

You've danced holding hands ring-around-the-rosy style around a low
table adorned with incense, candles, cup(s) of liquid, crystals,
stones, and various items related to the season, chanting a certain
word over and over to focus everyone's' minds.

You take Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday, and you
visit some of your family's graves.

Even if you don't do all of this stuff, you know of like-minded
friends that do.

You also can pontificate on why you or your like-minded friends do
this stuff.

Need something different

I went to see the surgeon today. That was all kinds of fun. Turns out this man is in his late 60's and thinks he is the worlds answer to medicine. He informed me that I am overweight. Ummm... I knew that. Also told me the reason that my health is failing is my fault. My gallbladder, thyroid, diabetes, PCOS, and everything else is all my fault. He told me that if I had more self control that I would be healthy, and would have no need for him. He said he will do the surgery when my diabetes, and thyroid are under control and when I lose some weight. That feels really freaking good. So now I have a dead organ inside me. One that causes me daily pain. One that I can't really live with. Oh, and he wants me to get my blood pressure under control. My GP does not see a problem with it, but now I have to go back to her and see if she will refer me to a different doctor. I refuse to let that man come anywhere near me with a knife. So now, I go back to my doctor on Wednesday. Just so pissed right now.