Signs That You May Be a Redneck Pagan

A test that never occurred to Jeff Foxworthy

Ya know, with so many city folk moving to the country, and the old ways spreading into every corner of America, can it be too long before every segment of American society is represented in the Pagan community? Will we someday see Redneck Pagans?

Here are some signs that you, yourself, may be a Redneck Pagan...

If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top...
If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club...
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade...
If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks"...
...you may be a Redneck Pagan.
If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do"...
If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame"...
...you may be a Redneck Pagan.
Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest...
If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your anointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg...
...you might just be a Redneck Pagan.
If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars...
If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's and Little Debbie's...
If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam, and the St. Pauli Girl...
...you just might be a Redneck Pagan.
If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire"...
If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture...
If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people...
If your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn" or Howard Johnson's"...
...you just might be a Redneck Pagan.
If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom...
Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
If you have ever canceled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV.....
...you may be a Redneck Pagan.
If the Holy Wine comes in a mason jar ...
If the cakes and ale are beer and pretzels...
Or if you hold Esbats at Billy Bobs Bar and Grille...
...you might be a Redneck Pagan
And finally, if you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess.....
Or if you have cast a love spell on livestock......
And if you bathe only eight times a year
....you are definitely a Redneck Pagan.