New Place, New Things

Passed out after a long day of school and play.

Michael took a cute picture of Jonathan.

Can you spot the six year old?

Wow, my life has be busy.
Well to start with. My dad got laid off of his job that he was working outside of Dallas.

8 Bit Mario blanket I an=m working on.

Him and Moma came home for a while to wait on the next job opening. Nothing unusual, been doing things like that for years. 

In June the new job opened. 

About two hours away, just east of Houston. Baytown, Texas to be exact.

Just about a month away from Michael's birthday in July, my parents left Milano and headed east. 

I did not realize until they next day how much I missed them.

So, I waited a month. 

Finally I got to go see them. I left Milano on June 28th.

I, honestly, don't ever want to go back.

I feel like myself.

I feel like the old me.

My children are happy.

Feeling like my old self again.

I am beginning to be happy.
I like it here.

Michael is in school and he loves it.

I am looking for a job.

Yes, there I times I feel extreme guilt and or sadness.

Guilt about my parents taking us in and taking care of us.

Sadness that my life is not what I pictured 10 years ago.

Guilt that I can't provide for my kids the way I want to.

Guilt that at this point in my parents lives they have to take care of their grown child and their grand kids.

Sadness that sometimes I think I will not be able to move beyond this.

Guilt that I feel like I am not doing enough.

I feel almost like I have thrust all my issues on my parents.

They say that they don't feel this way, but I can sometimes feel the tension.

We are now living in a nice 3 bedroom apartment. In the middle of this crazy town.

Instead of a 8 X 30 camper that is falling apart in the middle of the woods.

I still have to go back to Milano to get a lot of stuff. There is so much I left behind.

Only, two weekends ago, I discovered I cant go alone.

I went to get my bed and the boys beds and our clothes and some other things.

I went alone. Big mistake.

I can't be there alone. There is still too much in my head.

The guilt of a broken marriage, unhappy children and a controlling spouse. Just some of the memories that live within those walls. And it was all right there waiting for me. Things I thought I had dealt with came rearing back up and invaded even my sleep the night I spent alone there. I called my Mom at about eight o'clock in the morning.

Crying, I said " I can't do this"

She said, "it is okay. We will be there in a couple hours."

I don't think I have even been happier to see my parents in my life.

I don't ever want to go there again. At least not alone.

I have so much more stuff to get. Decorations, winter clothes, yarn, sewing machine, material, the list goes on and on.

Something lurking in my closet...

And my truck is still there. I need it so I can really find work. I am thinking of getting my Dad to go home with me for a day trip to get the rest of our stuff. 

Been A Long Time

Wow! It has been a long time since I have posted. Things have been going on. Some bad and some good.  There have been family ins and family outs. A lot of the time I have not got a single clue about what is going on. I have come to the absolute conclusion that the people I call 'family' are completely nuts. And I don't mean party nuts. I mean nucken futz. That kind, yea.

Unforgivably we are still living in a tiny little trailer in a tiny little town in the corner of Hell, Texas.

I long to leave everyday. I wake up every morning hating the fact that I wake up here.

Yes, since the last time I blogged a lot has happened.

I had to have a total of 4 surgeries to fix all that was wrong with me. In and out of the hospital for a long time. I am now 6 months post-op and I feel wonderful!

On March 22nd, 2012 I became a vegetarian. It is awesome! I have always wanted to do this but never really had any support from family or friends. So now I am doing it and it is going great! 

I have gone on to decide that I need to be healthier.

This is an excerpt from my Live Strong profile.

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I recently came aware of these facts.
I weight nearly 300 pounds.
I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old(boys).
I have diabetes.
I have high blood pressure.
I have high cholesterol.

I got my wake up call last August (2011). I went to my doctor for a yearly check up. Turns out I needed a hysterectomy and my gall bladder removed. 
That was a trip!
Six months post op and I feel fabulous! 
Or I did until I realized that I cannot wear anything in my closet. None of my pants, skirts, shorts fit me anymore.
I do not want to have to buy new clothes again!
I have been a vegetarian for a little over a month now. I do still eat fish, so I guess that makes me a Pescetarian.

-----------

 

 Last October (2011) Jason and I decided to do something different. He had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and was on a lot of different medications. His doctors were trying to get it all straightened out so that he could finally go back to work.
We came to the conclusion that we could do something pro active. Something to try to get some sort of income. Even if it only buys diapers.
So we started making earring and necklaces and bracelets and I started knitting things. And crocheting. Scarves, hats, bed room, house shoes, all sorts of things. We started selling things on a website called Etsy.
I discovered it on a morning of boredom. I was like hey, we can do this!
So now our little business is GROWING. Which is great. I only wish I could be there to see the looks on my customers faces when they open my product for the first time. That would make it better.
We have actually gotten to a point where we now have three different stores on many different venues. We even from time to time sell on Ebay.
You can follow our blog for this store at JM HomeCrafts Blog

JM Jewelry And Accessories is the brain child of Jason and I. We needed a different type of store for the accommodation of our ever growing line of jewelry. So we developed JM Jewelry And Accessories. It has been slow moving and we are slowly rolling our jewelry over to this new store.
The blog for this store can be located at JM Jewelry And Accessories Blog

Lost Time Steampunk is a venture that is mainly Jason's baby. And it has done very well. With 3 sales in its first week open and has settled down now, but we get inquiries nearly everyday about some we have in the store or something we can do for the store.
It has been doing good. I can only hope that it can keep growing. We are expanding this store. Currently we have jewelry and some creepy crawlies. But we have plans in the works for all sorts of new steampunk things. From steampunk cuffs to clothes, to home accessories. We have big plans for this store.
Please feel free to follow this blog at Lost Time Steampunk Blog

So as kind of a re cap. We are still here. For now. Where to next? 

Don't know yet. 

Jason now has to walk with a cane. He is considering going back to school. Phlibotomist (sp) or a EKG tech. Or something along those lines. I think that he will do very well. 

Our boys are ever growing and learning. I can't wait to see how they turn out and I hope that we don't fuck them up too badly. Michael will be starting school next year. I can't believe that he will be 4 in just 2 months.

O.O!!!!!! Where did time go?

They only people in my family I am now talking to is my mom. She is the only one who does not think that we are all going to hell. Or if she does, she is much less vocal about it.Thank goodness. My sister makes a enough noise about that by her self. But that would be an entirely different post.  My brother seems to have jumped on the 'I Hate Jessica' band wagon.  The really sad part? It all started over a picture on Facebook. \/ \/ \/ \/ \/

That picture on the right. I think it a beautiful picture. One of my friends shared it. I shared it to my husbands wall. You know how Facebook works. When two of your friends or even one shares a link/picture/status update you see it too. Well my brother saw this and he went berserk. He removed me and my husband and blocked us from seeing him and contacting him. What?!? Yes and now he and my sister have come together over me. My sister and her boy friend are convinced I am casting spells on them and making him have bad dreams. Well, she told my brother this and now he is saying the same thing. What is wrong with these people?

To make matters worse, my granny is recovering from and injury and is home on rest. My mom is there. She will be coming back here for a short while to be with my dad for a little while before she goes back. When she goes back she will be stopping in Beaumont to pick up my sister and her ass hat, um, I mean boy friend. That will be lovely. I can tell.

But for right now I am looking forward to my mom coming to see Michael and Jonathan for a little while. They love their Granny. :)

Jason does not talk to anyone in his family now. There had been a great deal of trouble between him and his mother for many years. Screaming matches, hang ups, and cussing has been going back and forth for a very long time. I have personally believed for a long time that my mother-in-law is toxic. She is a pretty good grandmother in the way that she buys her grands kids love. She was , however, a horrible mother. Wasn't it Bill Cosby who said that a grand parent is just an old person trying to get into heaven. Or something along those lines. She finally gave way a couple weeks ago and told us all that she thinks that everything Jason has ever done in his life is wrong, horrible, and evil. That even he is a waste. She regrets that he lives. That he is the cause of all of the wrong in her life. He has been told that since his father died when Jason was 5 that he is useless and was even the cause of the death. 

So we have cut her out of our lives and it feels like a great weight has been lifted (for me). He is feeling tortured and alone. She was the last person that he could call family. He has now been cut off and I can tell that he feels so alone. I wish that I could somehow erase all the pain she has caused him. I sit back and I can see him emotionally drowning. I am daily looking for that lifesaver that will fit, and pull him up. But luckily, he can get lost in his work occasionally. 

So hopefully next time I blog it will be a little less dramatic or there will be good news to report. And if we are really lucky, and cross our fingers, toes, eyes, and legs, walk on rainbows, and dig to China, we might be less dramatic and have good news. 

Next time!