New Place, New Things

Passed out after a long day of school and play.

Michael took a cute picture of Jonathan.

Can you spot the six year old?

Wow, my life has be busy.
Well to start with. My dad got laid off of his job that he was working outside of Dallas.

8 Bit Mario blanket I an=m working on.

Him and Moma came home for a while to wait on the next job opening. Nothing unusual, been doing things like that for years. 

In June the new job opened. 

About two hours away, just east of Houston. Baytown, Texas to be exact.

Just about a month away from Michael's birthday in July, my parents left Milano and headed east. 

I did not realize until they next day how much I missed them.

So, I waited a month. 

Finally I got to go see them. I left Milano on June 28th.

I, honestly, don't ever want to go back.

I feel like myself.

I feel like the old me.

My children are happy.

Feeling like my old self again.

I am beginning to be happy.
I like it here.

Michael is in school and he loves it.

I am looking for a job.

Yes, there I times I feel extreme guilt and or sadness.

Guilt about my parents taking us in and taking care of us.

Sadness that my life is not what I pictured 10 years ago.

Guilt that I can't provide for my kids the way I want to.

Guilt that at this point in my parents lives they have to take care of their grown child and their grand kids.

Sadness that sometimes I think I will not be able to move beyond this.

Guilt that I feel like I am not doing enough.

I feel almost like I have thrust all my issues on my parents.

They say that they don't feel this way, but I can sometimes feel the tension.

We are now living in a nice 3 bedroom apartment. In the middle of this crazy town.

Instead of a 8 X 30 camper that is falling apart in the middle of the woods.

I still have to go back to Milano to get a lot of stuff. There is so much I left behind.

Only, two weekends ago, I discovered I cant go alone.

I went to get my bed and the boys beds and our clothes and some other things.

I went alone. Big mistake.

I can't be there alone. There is still too much in my head.

The guilt of a broken marriage, unhappy children and a controlling spouse. Just some of the memories that live within those walls. And it was all right there waiting for me. Things I thought I had dealt with came rearing back up and invaded even my sleep the night I spent alone there. I called my Mom at about eight o'clock in the morning.

Crying, I said " I can't do this"

She said, "it is okay. We will be there in a couple hours."

I don't think I have even been happier to see my parents in my life.

I don't ever want to go there again. At least not alone.

I have so much more stuff to get. Decorations, winter clothes, yarn, sewing machine, material, the list goes on and on.

Something lurking in my closet...

And my truck is still there. I need it so I can really find work. I am thinking of getting my Dad to go home with me for a day trip to get the rest of our stuff. 

It has been a while

It would seem that I have been neglecting my blog once again.

Shit happens. But a lot of it has been happening to me lately.

I am now a single mom.

My final divorce hearing will be next week. I can honestly say that I am happy for this to be over and done with.

A year agin I started asking my husband for marriage counseling. I sought the advice of friends and family and they helped. But then he would never follow any advice given. Because he never saw anything wrong with our relationship.

With the constant fighting, lots of silent treatment and begging for help and constant arguing over treatment of our children I don't know how he thought everything was okay.

The straw that finally broke my back was my bank card went missing and he changed all the passwords to our finances. 

He denies knowing anything about my card. And he blames his mom for changing the passwords. Says she told him to because I have been spending too much money.

How could I have possibly been spending too much money when I had to get my mom to buy Michael's school supplies and clothes? What was I spending too much money on and did not buy myself a pair of shoes to replace the ones with holes in the bottoms?

Oh I am sorry. I did buy myself a Christmas present of $50.00 worth of yarn, mail order. I guess that was just too much.

He did not bother to tell his mom about the nearly $2000.00 he spent on camera equipment. Because he fancies himself a ghost hunter? Bull shit. He has just watched too much Ghost Aventures. But he will never be Zac. I mean come on. And sit there and tell me all about how he used to get so possessed all the time when he was a child. BULL SHIT! Oh, and our oldest son is the ghost boy that used to play with him when he was a kid. 

Anyway.

I asked him for an uncontested divorce on February 6th. I filed on February 10th. He left on February 28th. I have been alone for almost two months now.

Not alone.

I have my boys. Jonathan's 4th birthday was today. His daddy talked to him for about 20 minutes. 

They don't want to talk to him, but sometimes they do. Michael does not like it when Jason yells at me over Skype. 

Which he does every chance he can get.

He asked me almost a month ago if we could do a skype schedule for him and the boys to talk. I said fine and suggested Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 7pm. He said okay. All was well. Until two weeks of this schedule had passed. I looked and realized that the boys were being lethargic and moody after their talks with him. None lasting longer than 20 minutes. 

I asked him three weeks ago if we can just go to monad and Thursday for the talks. He said no, I was keeping his boys from him  and he would be sure to tell the court that. 

Then a couple days ago he goes, hey why don't we just do this on Monday and Thursday? Um......Didn't I say the same thing?

Asshole.

The bullshit really started when I went up to see my parents in Sherman, Texas a few weeks ago. I got home at a weird time and the boys were so sleepy that they barely made it into the house. They went straight to bed and they slept, hard. Well that night we missed his calls on Skype. So he messages me on Facebook. I did not get those because I was asleep.

He stews in his own rancidness for a few hours and decides to call my house phone at 1am. It woke up my children. Needless to say I was pissed. He never apologized for it either.

Got all pissy with me because I did not tell him where I was and what I was doing with his children. I told him that if I wanted to I could let my parents take the boys to Disney if they wanted to. He said that he would call and report the boys as kidnapped. For real!?!?

Anyway. 

Stay tuned I for all kinds of drama and stuff.

And in case you are wondering. Me and my boys are doing great! Going to get pictures with the Easter bunny tomorrow. Something that is a first, because he never allowed it. It is going to be fun. :)

What was once strong

Do you think you can burn in love so much that it burns up all the love and leaves an empty shell?